Living Through Fear, Awakening Through Change

Living Through Fear, Awakening Through Change

Before March 2020, I had a thriving healing practice. I worked with clients through what I called Faceology — whole-body healing via the face, and HIH Holistic Integrative Healing, a shamanic journey with parts of self-weaving holistic integrative methods, Jungian psychology, and shamanic journeys into the sacred heart.

At the age of 38, I was struck with what is known as a spontaneous kundalini awakening. Many who experience this run from it, but I could not. Awakening is like gutting a fish — every cell, every organ, every shadow of self is turned inside out and examined with a fine-tooth comb. The body, the psyche, the spirit — all rearranged in ways you cannot undo. The process never finishes; if it did, you would no longer be here in flesh. Life itself becomes the teacher, forever showing you the next place to unravel.

As the Zen saying goes: Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. Only now, even the ordinary can taste like nectar.

The Shock of Being Unmoored

I had built a life I loved, one that felt steady and protected. But even the most beautiful structures can be shattered in an instant. The shock came when my website — the living pulse of my business — was suddenly ripped from my hands.

The fear that came was not small. It was not even about survival. It was a vast, nameless terror — as if a black hole might open and swallow me whole. As if the faceless machinery of tech could destroy everything I had created. Looking back, it may sound dramatic, but in the moment it was as real as blood pounding in my ears.

Perhaps you’ve felt it too: fear so raw it shakes your bones, even though you know you’re not in physical danger.

Inside me, two selves wrestled. One tried to soothe, to whisper reason. The other refused comfort, conjuring catastrophe after catastrophe. I shook like a leaf in a tornado.

Herbal Allies in the Storm

So I reached for what I know.

• Peace of Mind tincture.

• Holy Basil hydrosol.

• Super Natural with CBD, slathered on my skin.

• Chamomile baths, night after night.

I didn’t turn to pills or synthetic fixes. I have never leaned on Big Pharma’s quick solutions, because I know they silence symptoms instead of dismantling the root. And this wasn’t a storm to be silenced. It was a storm to be walked through.

Facing the Fear

Here is what the storm taught me: fear cannot be banished with pretty affirmations.

And it cannot be bypassed by repeating “think positive” mantras either. In many circles of spirit there’s pressure to avoid the shadow, to cling to light-only thinking. But true healing requires honesty — letting the program of fear run its course so it can be witnessed, dissolved, and transmuted. Anything else is just another form of numbing.

Fear itself is a multi-faceted diamond. Yes, a diamond — reflecting back to us where our shadow work lives. Each facet shows another face of fear: loss, abandonment, destruction, unworthiness. We humans hold so many fears, and in each moment we are given a choice — to sink beneath them and give in to the belief and allow it to run our life , or to look squarely into the reflection dismantle the lie at its core. When fear is seen as a mirror, it becomes a gift. If we choose, we can dismantle it, turn it to ash in the fire of transformation, and awaken its opposing force — the truth of the soul resonating deep within.

1. Test the source. Is my body warning me of true danger, or is my mind running its theater of doom? I shifted my thoughts to something beautiful — and my body calmed. It was the mind.

2. Discern the origin. Is this fear mine, or is it the collective? Is it a fragment of my own shadow, or a projection from someone else in the room? Is it friend, showing me what needs to be seen, or foe, seeking to pull me under? When we pause to ask, the truth reveals itself.

3. Take inventory. Is this the end of the world? No. Do I have a backup plan? Yes. Can I weather this? Yes.

4. Let it run. Instead of resisting, I allowed the fear to take me over. I bore witness as the program ran itself ragged. And when it finally burned out, what remained was clarity, and me — still here.

The next morning, after the first deep night’s sleep in days, I woke to a freshness so startling it was as if I’d stepped into a new dimension. For a moment, I even questioned my own existence — was I still here? The colors of the garden outside were vivid, almost too bright to be real. Everything looked rinsed clean, like the earth after a heavy rain. My mind felt clear and raw, like a garden breathing after a storm.

And here is the deeper secret: when we dismantle a program of fear, something new becomes available. We activate the crystalline DNA that has been dormant within us — luminous strands of intelligence and memory waiting to be utilized. This is the DNA of creators, of sovereign beings, the hidden architecture of what we truly are. Fear dissolves, and in its place, creation awakens. We must give ourselves time for rest and nourishment to allow the integration and activation of the new human you are becoming. This process is a complete overhaul of the human you once were as every cell in your body is being transformed to holds the new frequencies 

This is the fire of kundalini — the flames we walk through, not to be burned, but to be purified. The process is alchemical: fear is the lead, transmuted into the gold of clarity. Each time we step into the blaze instead of turning away, we dismantle a trigger for good. What once ruled us loosens its grip, leaving space for the crystalline intelligence within to awaken.

The Teaching

Life hands us initiations. They shake us down to the marrow. We can’t always avoid them, but we can walk through them awake.

When fear rises, we can:

• Call on our herbal allies to steady the body.

• Refuse the numbing path of synthetic quick fixes.

• Test if fear is body-truth or mind-illusion.

• Discern: is it mine, the collective, or a projection from another?

• Take ruthless inventory of what is real.

• Let the program run, and stand as witness.

• And when the storm passes — receive the gift of clarity it leaves behind.

• Remember that every dismantled trigger is alchemy: fear to gold, density to light, dormant codes to crystalline awakening.

This is the work: chopping wood, carrying water — not as escape, but as initiation. Living awake in the middle of the storm.  Allow life itself to be the guide the teacher and the initiator.

A Glimpse Into the Book

This experience became a living chapter in the book I’m writing — part of a trilogy on body, mind, and spirit. In it, I share how fear unravels, how the mind can be dismantled, and how plants, spirit, and the sacred heart guide us back to center when the world tilts.

Consider this newsletter a glimpse, a spark from the larger fire.

And maybe you’ve been here too: fear so vast it feels it will swallow you. If so, may these words remind you — you are not alone. Even fear can be a doorway, if you dare to walk through.

✨ This is only one thread in a greater weaving. When the book is ready, you’ll feel its pulse here first. Until then, if this story stirred something in you, I’d love to hear it. Simply reply and share — your voice may yet shape the weaving.